would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
