I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
