I want to have your abortion
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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