Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
