the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
