It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
