whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
