so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
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She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
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How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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