Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Randomize
