If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
