I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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