ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
