Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
