Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
