the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
