Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
