I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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