Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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