It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
