i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
