she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
