I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
