You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
