So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
