well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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