I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
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Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
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I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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