Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
