She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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