I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
