I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Randomize
