Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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