You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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