We're facebook friends in real life
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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