he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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