Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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