An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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