Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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