We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
