I didn't shave. On purpose
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I stole a fireplace last night.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
