Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
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