After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
