PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
