I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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