i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
