I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
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