im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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