When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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