I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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