I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
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He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
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WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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