i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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