Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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