I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
