I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
