I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
