You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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