yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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