Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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