ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
