Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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