It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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