i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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